Peer Evaluation

For 20321


Grade

According to the rubric above, what grade would you give this essay? Why?

I think this essay deserves a four. There is basic research to support some ideas.

How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?

I hope there are more fresh research for confirmation. The reasons are almost what people naturally know.

Thesis

What is the thesis?

Internet real name system should be enforced.

Is the thesis clear and debatable?

Yes and yes.

If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?

I think I would also agree with him.

Any other thoughts?

This is interesting. It will be difficult to refute the opposite opinion because there are also many people who don't agree with him with clear reasons.

Classical Argument

Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?

I can't find refutation clearly.There is a brief mention that  " all I'm saying is in the case of Korea, and internet anonymity became effective in 2007, however it ceased because of some citizen's complaint. " but I think it should be supported with more reasons.

Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis?

I could read the introduction well because it was prevalent problem. Also it comfortably lead to the thesis.

Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?

Yes, the definitions are really clear and it was easy to understand his essay for narration. However I hope there is no refutation in narration.

Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?

I think most of it adequately support the thesis but it needs more persuasive data to support them.

Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner?

No.

Does the conclusion summarize the article and address the larger significance of the thesis?

Yes.

What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?

The narration is nonexistent or inadequate.

When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?

I agreed with the thesis.

When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?

I still agree with the thesis.

If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?

I did not change my mind.

How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?

essay 형식에 맟추기만 하면 완벽할 것 같아요!!

Research

Is the author using research effectively?

Yes

Is the research from appropriate sources?

Yes, although none of them are from academic research.

Are the sources obvious?

Yes, the sources are obvious.

Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?

Usually.

Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?

No.

Research 6

Research Example: 

Statistic data about physical beauty

 

Source:
 

http://hikostat.kr/1989

My Topic:

People who are better in physical beauty have more advantages. 

What I hope to learn from this source:

 I want to find the specific statistic data that can help to improve expertiveness on my essay.

Notes:



'루키즘'이라고 들어보셨나요? 루키즘은 외모가 개인 간의 우열과 성패를 가름한다고 믿어 외모에 지나치게 집착하는 현상을 설명한 용어입니다. 우리가 흔히 하는 말로 '외모지상주의'를 일컫는 용어라고 할 수 있어요. 요즘 이러한 현상이 확산되고 있습니다. 알바몬 설문조사 결과에 따르면 '외모로 인해 차별이나 부당한 대우를 경험한 적이 있다'라는 질문에 전체 응답자 중 62.1%가 그렇다고 답했습니다. 성별로 보면 남학생(66.1%)이 , 여학생(59.4%) 보다 이러한 경험이 더 많은 것으로 나타났습니다. 외모지상주의는 여성에게 더 많은 작용한다고 생각했지만 이번 설문조사 결과는 사뭇 다르게 나타나 외모지상주의가 여성만의 문제가 아님을 알 수 있었습니다. 또 남학생의 87.6%, 여학생의 92.5% 등 대학생 중 90.5%가 외모에 콤플렉스를 느낀다고 답했습니다. 이렇듯 현대 사회에서의 문제 중 하나로 대두되고 있습니다.







<출처 : 알바몬>





'외모도 경쟁력이다'라는 말에 절반 이상이 동의하는 것으로 나타났습니다. 특수한 상황에 따라 동의한다는 응답자까지 합치면 80% 가까운 응답자가 이 말에 동의하는 것입니다. 또한 외모로 인해 상대방에 대한 평가나 판단이 달라진 적이 있는가 하는 질문에는 84.9%나 되는 사람이 그렇다고 대답하였습니다. 이렇듯 외모가 현대사회에서 중요하게 인식되고 있는 것을 볼 수 있습니다.







<출처 : 알바몬>





이러한 외모지상주의 현상은 현대에 와서 갑자기 성립된 사상은 아닙니다. 동서양을 막론하고 심지어 옛 동화에서도 살펴볼 수 있어요. '권선징악' 사상에서도 주인공은 대부분 착하고 아름답게 표현되고 악역은 흉측하게 표현됩니다. '신데렐라', '백설공주', '콩쥐팥쥐' 등에서도 주인공은 전부 예쁘고 착하게 표현됩니다. 또 우리나라 고전 '박씨전'에서 주인공 박씨는 뛰어난 재능과 지혜를 가졌지만 처음 허물을 벗기 전 박색일 때는 능력을 펼치지 못하고 남편에게 사랑도 받지 못하는 여성으로 나옵니다.



예부터 이어온 외모지상주의 현상은 오늘날 '성형수술'이라는 문제점을 낳기도 했습니다. 물론 성형수술 자체로 문제가 되는 것은 아니지만 지나친 성형중독, 성형수술 부작용 등이 사회 문제로 나타난다는 것입니다. 특히 우리나라 유엔 산하 국제미용 성형수술협회(ISAPS)가 집계한 '국가별 인구 당 성형수술 건수'의 2010년 조사결과 1000명 당 16명 꼴로 성형수술의 경험이 있는 것으로 밝혀져 1위로 등극했습니다. 또한 성형을 원하는 아시아 여성 통계자료에서도 우리나라가 1위를 차지했습니다.







<출처 : 국제미용 성형수술협회(ISAPS)>







<출처 : 사람인>





우리나라가 외모에 신경을 많이 쓴다는 것은 앞의 자료를 통해 알 수 있습니다. 비난만 할 수 없는 것은 실제로 취업에서 외모는 중요하게 평가되는 요인이라는 점입니다. 취업포털 사이트인 사람인이 기업 인사담당자 776명을 대상으로 조사한 결과입니다. 66.1%의 기업이 외모가 채용 평가에 영향을 미친다고 응답했다고 해요. 가장 영향을 미치는 외모 부분에서는 첫 번째가 '인상'으로 84.2%를 차지하였고 그 뒤로는 분위기, 옷차림, 청결의 순으로 나타났습니다. 그리고 외모에 영향을 받는 성별은 여성이 남성보다 2배 이상 많은 것으로 조사되었습니다. 외모에 중요성을 두는 이유는 '자기관리가 뛰어날 것 같아서'라는 답변이 가장 많았습니다.







<출처 : 사람인>







 Final Thoughts:

From this I think I could complete my essay with more concrete reasons:)

Second Draft

People who are better in physical beauty have more advantages.

  

                                                                                                                  20320Jeongyubin

 

  Let’s suppose that the two women, one is pretty and the other is ugly, are running to the beach in front of you. How do you feel? Who are you looking at now? I suppose it would be the one who is better in physical beauty. Like this situation, we often naturally tend to like more beautiful or handsome people even though we don't know any exact reasons. Then did you know that they also get more advantages? One of the most interesting program about plastic surgery, 'Let 美人' showed the a woman who actually experienced the discrimination of physical beauty. Before the plastic surgery, she said that she had watched the people who were asking to beautiful people politely, smiling and praising them all the time while they didn't toward her. Even we consciously or unconsciously recognize, it seems that there are something advantageous for people who are better in physical beauty exists in our society.

 

 Physical attractiveness is the degree to which a person's physical traits are considered aesthetically pleasing or beautiful. According to survey from Albamon targeting 200 university students, 62.1% of them responded that they had been discriminated by physical attractivenes. Like this way, the saying that 'Physical beauty is competitiveness' seems trustable. Also 84.9 % of them had changed their judgement or evaluation by others' physical beauty. Based on these statistical data, it was proven that people who are relatively not better in physical beauty often feel humiliated and want to become more beautiful or handsome. This also cause the problem 'plastic surgery' that almost 16 people of 1000 people already experienced it.  Like this situation, it is really critical problem that can bring the huge other aftereffects. Then many would wonder why the physical beauty is so important for having a more advantageous lives than others.

 

 

  Firstly, the people who are more beautiful or handsome are advantageous in a first impression which is really crucial for social relationships. The recent study, Heide, D'Angelo, &Schumaker, 2012, when people introduce themselves with their visual image which seems negative or introvert in facebook, it influences the contents of facebook or comments from his or her acquaintances negatively. Like this the first visual image of people's faces that is the first impression is really important factor that can affect many other things. Besides, there is a psychological effect which is the halo effect. It means that if a person has one good trait, other people might regard that person as he or she also has other good traits. From the psychology of happiness communication, that 'one good trait' often points to the beauty. Finally, people have stereotypical thinking that the people who are beautiful or handsome are also good at manner, jobs or personality. As the first impression is made through only few minutes, the physical beauty has to be important and advantageous.

 Secondly, people judge everything by the physical beauty following the social cultures. Beliefs are formed in the subconscious mind as a result of repetition. One popular psychological fact states that if you met a person who was really nice and interesting then most probably you will think that all of those who look like him to be interesting people. This is the reason you might not feel comfortable as soon as you see someone who looks like people you don't think good. Even though you might not notice this consciously, still subconscious mind will notice the diffences and will judge a person by only appearance. Also the media make this pattern, too. The tv shows, movies or animations often related with crime and they portrayed good looking people as heroes while they gave the evil roles to people who are not that much handsome or beautiful. Consequently, the media always associated with certain qualities with certain facial features and body shapes that could make stereotypical image for all the people. This is the biggest reason that makes lots of people judge others by their outer appearance and let physical beauty brings a lot of advantages.

 

  Lastly, better physical beauty shows better characteristics. More and more people started to get a lot of plastic surgeries to become beautiful. It doesn't show only the fact that many people spend their money on plastic surgery but also shows that a lot of people want to become more beautiful than before. Their most reasons were they had been discriminated by their appearance and wanted to take advantages similar to those who are beautiful. The examples of that advantages were really various such as when asking something, facial expression or talking. As many anticipated, they could feel the polite asking manner and see others who smile to them and hear praising words after having a plastic surgery. This can explain why people effort to be more beautiful or handsome is to improve their confidence. Also a study from Harvard University has shown that physical beauty makes potential ability. From this study, attractive people were rated more socially successful, more financially successful and happier than unattractive people. In another study, teachers were asked to rate students based on their pictures and some text reports that were almost identical to each student but that were rearranged to appear different. Teachers gave higher ratings to attractive students and believed that they are more intelligent while they thought of unattractive children as problem children.

 I guess some people would insist people should not judge the people by the physical beauty  as a wise answer coming from the conscious mind of the person. It is true that to judge people based on their looks is not always bringing good outcomes. However there is a really true thing that the physical beauty is extremely important. As I mentioned, it practically helps to survive in our society. For example, it was proven that the physical beauty was really crucial factor for getting a job. This data was estimated by 776 human resource directors. Because the physical beauty influences the impression and image of company, the outer beauty should be important. Also they responded that one of the reason that they put the importace on the physical beauty is that it seems they are good at self management. Like this, there are also reasons we cannot overlooked the physical beauty.                                                    
 

  Also some would argue about my opinion saying the inner beauty is also important and should not be overlooked. I also agree with this, however, following the polls of Korea psychological conferences, it was shown that only the 23 % believe that an inner beauty is more important than physical beauty. I think it means that physical beauty is really affects our lives. I also think the inner beauty is one of the most crucial thing than influences the every parts of lives but I'm insisting that the more advantageous thing between them is the physical beauty.

 

 Physical beauty is important that could help many other aspects of lives. Even though there are people who think they are not attractive in physical beauty and blame it, this would be not such a serous problem for my argument. Because it is a clear truth that people who are better in physical beauty have more advantages, people would not harm their self-esteem unintentionally. What a person look likes is various and there is advantageous appearances in the world. As the good students deserve advantageous privileges, better appearance is an advantageous values just the way it is. I think people could understand this kind of differences and would not regard people who have better appearance as an inequality. For these reasons, People who are better in physical beauty have more advantages although there are many things that can surpass the physical beauty. I think it is the most powerful that can gain many advantages.